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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418915">Dust of Osiris Insurance Agency</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitrusKix/pseuds/CitrusKix'>CitrusKix</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fate/stay night &amp; Related Fandoms, Melty Blood (Video Game), Tsukihime, 歌月十夜 | Kagetsu Tohya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Police, Biological Weapons, Character Death, Combustion, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Crime Fighting, Death, Demons, Divorce, Dogs, Driving, Fire, Insurance, Minor Character Death, Money, Police, Post-Divorce, Sister-Sister Relationship, Sisters, Temporary Character Death, Transformation, Weapons, insurance agency, life insurance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:27:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418915</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitrusKix/pseuds/CitrusKix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Archetype Earth goes to get some life insurance for her pet dog, Lancer. Things go wrong. Horribly wrong.</p>
<p>This is a crackfic. Read at your own risk.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dust of Osiris Insurance Agency</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“No matter how the world turns out, not even the sands of time will be able to get rid of our great deals! Health insurance, car insurance, homeowner insurance and more! We have it all! Dust of Osiris Insurance Agency! Timeless insurances for you!”</p>
<p>...Well, that’s how the commercial for the agency went, at least.</p>
<p>Archetype Earth was sitting on her couch at her home that she kept after winning everything in the divorce against her ex-husband Gilgamesh, watching the TV as it flickered through commercials. She heaved a heavy sigh of pure and utter boredom and leaned back on the couch, propping her arm against the backrest and pressed her head against her hand. “Things have been so slow lately...” she whined to herself. “Not much has piqued my interest lately. The only things I’ve done this week are start a proxy war in sub-Saharan Africa, cause a mini-pandemic that killed half of the residents of Shanghai, and turn the entirety of northern Scandinavia into the universe’s eighty second largest blood-flavored popsicle. I need something else to do...”</p>
<p>And that’s when it hit her. A moment of utter clairvoyance that would’ve floored anyone else.</p>
<p>She should get life insurance.</p>
<p>Not for herself, of course. Incarnations of the will of the Earth itself don’t need life insurance. But rather, she wanted to get some life insurance for her new pet dog, Lancer, who seemed to die practically every other hour over the most ridiculous of circumstances. The various horrific and gruesome deaths he endured were endearing at first, but now Archetype was growing bored of them. She figured she may as well humor the idea of seeing how long he could last without dying in some comical fashion for once.</p>
<p>Hopping off from her couch, she reached for the remote and turned the TV off before tossing the remote aside and made her way to her garage. Once she got there after a rather extensive half hour walk through the various corridors her mansion of a home contained, she finally reached the garage. “Alright,” she began, “let’s test this new puppy out.”</p>
<p>Reaching into her limited edition crocodile skin Gucci purse with a Louis Vuitton platinum buckle and thirty two karat rose gold trimming, she pulled out a small remote and clicked one of the buttons on it twice, and the car in front of her chirped to life. It was a slate grey vehicle, massive in size and intimidating for most to look at. The typical middle-aged white person would probably faint like a racist at the sight of what seemed to be the car’s dreadlocks. Not the cannon it has protruding out of what appeared to be its mouth. Just its dreadlocks. Archetype recalled that the car dealership aptly named the vehicle “the Berser-car”. And rightfully so; it would make the racist white people go berserk at the sight of it.</p>
<p>After getting up to the car, Archetype stuck her keys into the car and started the engine, with the Berser-car roaring to life shortly afterward. She turned on the radio and the song “Pumped Up Kicks” came on. “Ah, perfect song for a drive,” she said to herself. “Now then, let’s get going. Mommy needs some new life insurance.”</p>
<p>The garage door slowly unfurled open when Archetype hit a button on yet another remote that was stored away inside one of the many compartments that the Berser-car had, and the beaming rays of the sun shone down on the inside of the garage. The paint job on the Berser-car shone brilliantly as it reflected the light. Archetype slipped on a fashionable pair of sunglasses, revved up the engine, and was off.</p>
<p>However, it didn’t take long for something unexpected to happen.</p>
<p>As Archetype was beginning to roll the Berser-car put of the garage, she could hear a faint squishing noise and the crackle of a few dozen bones being shattered into thousands of tiny fragments coming from beneath the vehicular behemoth. As she drove past the questionable sound’s location, she turned her head back to see that it was, indeed, Lancer. He had died once again.</p>
<p>“Oh come now, Lancer,” Archetype chided him. “Mommy needs you to stop dying and be a good boy for her. I’ll be back in a few hours, so behave.” And so, Archetype Earth turned her back to her pathetic dog once more to wither away under the heat of the sun’s deadly rays, and drove off.</p>
<p>The insurance agency was a fairly long drive off, but since it promised insurance that was survive the end of the world, Archetype figured that it was worth the drive. And she hoped that it would be; wasting gas on a trip with her Berser-car would’ve been absolutely awful. The Berser-car, as she recalled the car salesman explaining, was a very high maintenance car. And while she could afford it have it repaired as many times as it needed to, she didn’t want to deal with the hassle of having to undergo repairs at what she deemed to be stinky car repair shops.</p>
<p>Archetype swerved around a sharp corner, driving right into a puddle that splashed onto a young schoolgirl, who was carrying two jars of a red substance that Archetype couldn’t be bothered to identify any further. The last thing she heard from the girl was the shattering of glass and a wall of despair.</p>
<p>“No! My strawberry jam!” the girl cried as she fell over on the concrete sidewalk. “It took me ages to find this brand in a grocery store that was open late at night! I even got two, just to play it safe! And now... and now...!” The girl held back some tears as she sat miserably on the side of the road.</p>
<p>“My my... aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”</p>
<p>The girl looked up in her blurry vision to see a figure with a shadow covering their face standing right in front of her. But their clothing and voice gave her an idea on who it was. “Shiki...?” she mewled. “Is... is that you?”</p>
<p>“It is,” the voice responded. “But I’m probably not the Shiki you’re thinking of.”</p>
<p>And then it hit the girl. She wasn’t talking to Shiki Tohno, the guy who saved her and a bunch of other girls from freezing to death in one of the side rooms at the school they went to. She was talking to Shiki Nanaya, the alternate version of Shiki Tohno that grew up to be a cold blooded assassin.</p>
<p>But it was too late for her. By the time she came to that realization, she had already been struck by Shiki in the gut. In other words, she had just gotten Nanaya’d.</p>
<p>“Isn’t it sad, Sacchin?” Shiki remarked as he watched her writhe in pain on the sidewalk floor. “Sitting there like a pathetic puppy that nobody wanted, right next to your shattered hopes and dreams? I would argue so. So I’ll let you wallow in your misery. Try not to get Nanaya’d so easily next time. Okay?”</p>
<p>Satsuki could only watch as Shiki strolled off past her, with saxophone music accompanying his swaggering movements.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Archetype was cruising down the highway in her Berser-car, not giving a single care in the world about what the other drivers thought of her or her vehicle of choice. The radio was now in the middle of playing “Bad Guy”, and she hummed along to it. “Music of the current generation is alright,” she said to herself as she tapped her finger on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song. “Much more diverse than eons ago, that’s for sure. Such a shame that so many people can’t see quality in stuff outside of mainstream media though.”</p>
<p>Unfortunately for her, Archetype’s joy of driving down the highway in her Berser-car at breakneck speeds by the wailing of the sirens on top of a police car that was tailing her. And when she heard those sirens, Archetype knew who it was going to be in that seat.</p>
<p>Complying with the law begrudgingly, the incarnation of the Earth pulled over and turned off her Berser-car’s engine, and the police car did the same shortly after. And, much to her chagrin, the person she wanted to see the least was the one who stepped out of the police car’s driver’s seat. The officer walked over to Archetype’s car and knocked on the side of the front door to get Archetype’s attention. The second she rolled down the window completely was the second the officer began talking.</p>
<p>“Miss, are you aware you were going two hundred twenty five kilometers per hour while driving?” the officer asked. “The speed limit here is only a hundred kilometers per hour, so you were more than double the speed limit.”</p>
<p>“Ah, hello to you too Elesia,” Archetype replied with an immense dash of sarcasm in her voice. “Lovely weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Stop avoiding the question miss,” the officer retorted. “And I’ve told you before, that name is something I no longer go by. On top of that, you’re supposed to refer to me as “Officer”. Have you no respect for the laws of the land and the people who enforce it?”</p>
<p>“I have no respect for pathetic and hypocritical wimps like you, Officer Ciel, nor do I have respect for the innately corrupt power system you all have placed on yourselves in society,” Archetype snapped back without a hint of hesitation in her voice. “I am quite literally the incarnation of the will of the Earth we both live on. Human laws are beneath me by default. And if you think I’ll comply to such an unjust system, that only goes to show just how much of a fool you really are.”</p>
<p>Ciel gritted her teeth as she furrowed her eyebrows in anger. “...You’re lucky that you’re Officer Brunestud’s sister, miss,” Ciel grumbled. “Otherwise you would’ve been behind bars a long time ago.”</p>
<p>“Ah, my darling sister Arcueid!” Archetype exaggeratedly cheered as she threw her hands up to the air. “The one who works get butt off at the pathetic police division of the Church to cover for my misdemeanors. I’d thank her for doing so, but that’s all on her behalf. She should be thanking me for keeping her alive, actually.”</p>
<p>Ciel threw in one last “Someday you’ll get your comeuppance” at the woman before she stormed back to her police car. She opened the door, slid in to the front seat, and was off.</p>
<p>Archetype sighed in relief. “Finally, I don’t have to deal with that annoying brat,” she said as she relaxed her shoulders a little. “Getting pulled over every other time I’m driving by her is really irritating. Ah well, at least she’s gone. Now... off I go to the insurance agency for that life insurance.”</p>
<p>Once she was back on the road again, Archetype’s drive to the insurance agency was a smooth ride. And, to her surprise, there wasn’t too many cars parked in front of the insurance agency. “Oh, goodie,” she said with a slight hint of joy. “The line won’t be too long in there. Because I swear to myself, if I’m forced to wait behind people, I will light every single person in front of me on fire and watch them burn to a crisp. And I’ll do it all with a smile on my face.” She stopped the engine, opened the door, and stepped out of the Berser-car. “Now then,” she began. “Let’s get mommy some new life insurance for my little baby Lancer.”</p>
<p>Archetype began making her way across the parking lot to get to the insurance agency, and swung open the front door before stepping inside. It was air conditioned, and the place seemed nice, albeit a little cramped. The reception area was just a few paces in front of the front door, and a lone woman - a young woman with strong lesbian vibes and silver hair tied up in a ponytail - worked at the counter. However, much to Archetype’s frustration, there was already someone at the reception area; a muscular man with dark blue hair and eyes that could bore holes into one’s soul.</p>
<p>So Archetype decided to keep her promise and snapped her fingers, immediately setting the man on fire.</p>
<p>The man didn’t flinch whatsoever when the flames erupted on his body, though the woman at the desk was certainly taken aback by surprise. Instead, he simply turned his gaze over to where Archetype was standing. “Miss,” he began, “if I may ask, was it you who caused my body to spontaneously ignite?”</p>
<p>“Indeed,” she admitted. “I drove all the way here to this cramped insurance agency to get some life insurance, and I was feeling rather annoyed with the prospect of having to wait. So I swore to myself that I’d set any and every person that would stand in front of me on fire, and watch them burn. Though of course, you seem to be a wild exception.”</p>
<p>“That may be because of the demon blood coursing through my veins,” he explained. “My name is Kouma Kishima. I am the heir of the Kishima clan, and I am the product of several generations of genetic editing to merge human blood with demon blood.”</p>
<p>“Ah, of course,” Archetype nodded in understanding. “Those who partially possess demon blood have a high affinity of fire resistance. But that doesn’t matter. Step aside for the moment, or I’ll freeze over the blood that boils within you and turn you into a meaty ice sculpture.”</p>
<p>Kouma, understanding the sheer power that Archetype possessed, complied with her request and stepped back a few paces. As a token of gratitude for submitting to her will, the woman took away the flames that were engulfing his body before stepping up to the counter. “Excuse me,” she started, “I’d like to buy some life insurance.”</p>
<p>The woman working at the counter shook herself back to reality and forced herself to smile at Archetype, though she was very evidently concerned about the power she wielded. “O-Of course,” she began. “What type of insurance would you like to purchase from us?”</p>
<p>A wry smile wiped over Archetype’s face. “I would like to purchase some life insurance from you guys,” she explained. “And I’d like to be able to order it from your manager directly.”</p>
<p>There was a small sign on the receptionist’s face that she was going to question Archetype’s request to meet with the manager, but she ultimately decided against it and just went along with the request. She pulled out a small device from underneath the counter, held a button on it, and spoke into it “Dust of Osiris, ma’am, a customer has requested to purchase some life insurance directly from you. I’m sending her over to your office.”</p>
<p>The voice on the other side of the device spoke up. “Of course Riesbyfe,” she agreed. “You wouldn’t send clients to me if they weren’t more powerful than you in combat, so I can tell that they are a force to be reckoned with.” A click from a nearby door signaled the lock on it being opened, and Archetype rationalized that the door that was unlocked was the manager’s office. “Send them in.”</p>
<p>“Of course ma’am,” Riesbyfe acknowledged. “Thank you.” She took her finger off of the button on the device she was holding and stored it away before turning her attention back to Archetype. “The manager’s office is the first door on the left,” she explained. “It should have a golden plate on the door that says “Manager” on it. You can’t really miss it.” Archetype couldn’t be bothered to dignify Riesbyfe with a response before she made her way over to the manager’s office.</p>
<p>Archetype didn’t even bother to knock on the manager’s door before barging in, taking the manager a bit by surprise. Once she regained her composure, however, she began to speak. “Welcome, miss,” she greeted Archetype. “My name is Dust of Osiris. I am the head of the Dust of Osiris Insurance Agency, and the manager of this division. What may I help you with today?”</p>
<p>“Yes yes, hello to you too,” Archetype shrugged the greeting off. “I’m looking to purchase some life insurance. I have a dog that keeps dying in comedic fashions, and while it was entertaining to see the first few dozen of times, it’s slowly become boring to watch. So, I’d like to see how long he can last with life insurance attached to him.”</p>
<p>A silence fell over the two in the office, as the only thing that made noise in the room was the ticking of the clock hung up on the wall. Finally, Dust of Osiris spoke up. “Miss, you are aware that isn’t how life insurance works, yes?” she questioned.</p>
<p>Archetype in return scoffed. “Are you saying no to a customer?” she asked, offended at Dust of Osiris’ inquisition. “You are aware the customer is always right, yes? Especially a customer that has the capabilities of playing ping pong with the continents.”</p>
<p>“I am aware of that,” Dust of Osiris interjected. “But I am firmly telling you as an insurance agent that life insurance will not be effective as a way of keeping your death-defying dog alive.”</p>
<p>“Hm. Then perish.”</p>
<p>Before Dust of Osiris could even get up from her chair, Archetype had already casted a spell on her that would cause to disintegrate into a heap of sand. A fitting end for someone like her. However, it didn’t take long for someone to find out about what had just transpired.</p>
<p>The door to the manager’s office swung open, and Riesbyfe stepped inside. “Hey boss, I need to-“ She paused to look at the heap of sand that was once her boss sprawled out on the ground, before turning her attention over to Archetype, who was sitting in her chair all prim and proper, looking as if she was innocent of what had just transpired when the energy she was emanating said otherwise. “Oh my god! You killed my boss!” she screamed in panic. “And I was just about to get paid next week! You monster!”</p>
<p>Pulling out a weapon out of thin air that resembled a cross between a shield, a cello, and a lance, Riesbyfe screamed in anger. “You’ll pay for this! En garde!” She charged at Archetype, but all it took was a back handed slap to knock the receptionist down for the count.</p>
<p>“Hm. That was anticlimactic,” Archetype mumbled to herself. “Ah, whatever. I guess I may as well go and try to find another insurance agency that will sell me life insurance for Lancer.” Stepping over Riesbyfe’s unconscious body, Archetype walked out of the manager’s office, and over to the front door. But when she reached for the handle and threw it open, she was greeted with a sight she wasn’t expecting, and a sight she definitely didn’t want to see.</p>
<p>“Archetype Earth, on behalf of the account of first degree murder against Dust of Osiris, you are under arrest! Put your hands where we can see them!”</p>
<p>Right in front of the insurance agency were two police cars with their lights on, and in the center of both of the cars was none other than Ciel, holding a megaphone. “Ah, a pleasure to see you once again, Elesia,” Archetype sardonically greeted her. “Have you been having a good day with that little power trip of yours so far?”</p>
<p>“Once again, it’s Officer Ciel to you!” Ciel barked back with ire in her voice, lowering the megaphone. “If you comply with the law, we will be more merciful with your sentence! Failure to comply will result in us having to use force to take you down as well!”</p>
<p>The two stood at a standstill, before Archetype broke out into a villainous fit of laughter. “How amusing that the person who wreaked havoc across her entire home village and sought refuge in the Church’s hands would try to play the hero in this situation!” she cackled. “You are nothing more than a slimy little roach who deserves more than what has been dealt with you for the various atrocities you committed in the past. Your actions make me look like a saint. And a saint is someone you should be looking up to, not attempting to arrest. So go ahead. Do your worst.”</p>
<p>“Very well then,” Ciel agreed. “I shall give it my all to arrest you for your crime. I don’t care if you’re the incarnation of the will of the Earth itself! You will have justice brought down upon you! Officer Nanaya!”</p>
<p>At that moment, a small horse-like girl hopped out of the side seat of one of the vehicles and ran to Ciel, and a white light began to glow from her. As she radiantly beamed, her form began to change as she transformed into a large needle-like weapon that Ciel picked up.</p>
<p>“Ah, so Officer Nanaya was the Seventh Holy Scripture all along,” Archetype commented. “Impressive. I knew there was something off about her from the very moment I laid my eyes on her, but I couldn’t tell what it was exactly that made her unique. Regardless, her state as such a weapon means nothing to a being such as me. Come at me!”</p>
<p>Enraged at the taunt, Ciel tossed herself over to Archetype Earth and swung around the Seventh Holy Scripture to attack the woman, only for her to have had every single swing dodged. Screaming in frustration, she activated the piston inside the weapon to thrust the needle outward, but it was blocked by a gust of wind that Archetype had generated. And with the same gust of wind, Archetype had managed to toss the Seventh Holy Scripture out of Ciel’s hands, leaving her vulnerable for a beat down, which Archetype took advantage of and knocked her down after a consecutive blow of hits.</p>
<p>“Well well well,” Archetype chided. “It appears that I was the victor of this match. Even with all of that fancy gear and weaponry of yours at your disposal, you failed to apprehend me and take me in to the slammer. Pathetic.” She dusted her outfit off with her hands and sighed. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some life insurance to find.”</p>
<p>“Hold on just a minute... sister.”</p>
<p>The utterance of the last word took Archetype by surprise as she whirled her ahead around to see that the second police car’s driver’s seat had its door open now. And standing beside it was none other than her sister, Arcueid. The very last face that she had wanted to see at that moment.</p>
<p>“Ah... Arcueid,” Archetype began. “Or should I call you Officer Brunestud now, what with the likes of your comrades asking for the same treatment?”</p>
<p>“My colleagues may have been acting as professional officers should be,” Arcueid spat. “But this is personal. This is something between us that should’ve happened between the both of us long ago.”</p>
<p>“Ah, and you were just waiting for me to crack, weren’t you?” Archetype questioned. “What a pity. I forgot that our minds are synced together, since we are sisters by mind and not by blood. That means you were able to track me down for every motion I had. That’s how you were able to cover up all of my misdemeanors before I could have any charges attached to my name, and how you and your little posse were able to get here in such a short amount of time. But I suppose murder was too much for you to cover?”</p>
<p>“You took an innocent person’s life over life insurance!” Arcueid yelled back. “All of your previous crimes have been relatively minor ones like speeding and jaywalking, but now the people in that person’s life will never be able to see them alive ever again! We’re literally some of the very few and far between exceptions to the rule of death, Archetype! Your value of life is next to nothing, and on behalf of Miss Dust of Osiris, you will be spending a lot of time behind bars!”</p>
<p>“Hm. Then try me, sister.”</p>
<p>Unlike Ciel, Arcueid’s attacks were a lot less driven by rage and anger, and were more methodical and calculated. She was able to predict Archetype’s actions, much like Archetype would be able to predict hers, and act accordingly. The fight dragged on as the two sisters threw fists at each other and pummeled one another into walls and pavements for ages, until eventually, Archetype was at her limit.</p>
<p>“Alright, I’ve had enough of these shenanigans!” she roared. “It’s time to put an end to this! Goodbye... sister.” She summoned a giant ray of light to attack Arcueid, pointing right at her head. But as it was about to strike, Arcueid swiftly dodged out of the way, and leapt behind Archetype.</p>
<p>“I got you now, sis!” Arcueid exclaimed. Pulling Archetype’s hands behind her back, she quickly handcuffed the woman together and pushed her to the ground. She had successfully apprehended the incarnation of the will of the Earth.</p>
<p>“Hm. Impressive work, Arcueid,” Archetype congratulated her. “I may be disappointed that I had lost this, but I’ll be able to escape jail. Don’t forget; this form is merely an ethereal one that can disappear and reappear at will.”</p>
<p>“I know. That’s why these handcuffs are filled with magic that’ll prevent you from doing so.”</p>
<p>“...I beg your pardon?”</p>
<p>“You heard me,” Arcueid scolded. “I knew you would try to pull something like that on me if I managed to apprehend you, so I went to a magus to get these nifty pair of handcuffs capable of nullifying any type of magic, even those of the extremest OG degrees. In other words... you’ve been caught. Now it’s time for you to pay the price for what you’ve done.”</p>
<p>Archetype thrashed and screamed in anger as she was shoved into the back of Arcueid’s police car. Arcueid reached for the radio and spoke into it, saying “This is Officer Brunestud. I’ve successfully apprehended the culprit behind the murder of a Miss Dust of Osiris. I’m requesting medical backup on behalf of two of my fellow officers, who are severely injured at the scene of the crime, as well as any personnel who may be within the vicinities. Over.”</p>
<p>Arcueid turned her head back to see her sister, foaming at the mouth with absolute rage, and laughed. “Serves you right!” she giggled. “Now, time for you to meet your new roommate!” And with the police car’s engine roaring to life and the siren blaring loudly on the roof, Arcueid drove her sister Archetype to the local police station for further interrogation.</p>
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